2 Months

Two months ago, I graduated from Williams. One month ago, I started at my job in Wisconsin.

Whoa.

I have car payments now, and rent. Health insurance premiums are deducted from my paycheck, and if I want to eat something at home, it has to be something that I personally selected from the store. If something that I own breaks, I have to fix it. None of these are really landmark issues or problems, but en masse, they take up time and energy: only in having them do I understand how much I enjoyed in going without, whether at home in GA where my parents never charged rent, or in my house at college where we bought many groceries collectively, and shared food copiously.

The struggle that I realize is that I've now been bumped out of those environments of extreme tolerance and free-expressionism. If I want to try to clone StoryTime at Epic, I'll have to do it by myself. If I want to volunteer, I'll have to call up a non-profit and sign up. I am no longer part of a population that groups are trying to access, with rare exceptions like the Red Cross folks that took two units of red cells from me today.

It's my life, and this is the time to set habits and patterns that will shape my future. I know that a lot of what I do, especially when its not fun, is based on identity - that I, as a person with characteristic X, am obligated or required to do something, for fear of losing X. I derive that willpower from within, not based solely on the approval of others (though others influence my own self-image). This is all a bit rambly, and influenced by my blood-less mental state, but I suppose my overall point is this:

I am a long way from where I was two months ago, and I hope I don't stop changing and improving my conditions over the next two months.