Honor

I realized today that I've forgotten all but one of the names, and most of the cases, of my four years on Williams's honor committee. That was by design - I tried to put them out of my head - but it's still odd to (not) think about it, because those experiences were so formative for me. I learned about how people act under extreme pressure, the impossibility of judgment in 51%-49% cases, and how rules interact with nessesary compassion.

I learned about secrets that "happy" people carry with them, some very dark, and I learned about the pain of depression. I learned what it was like to argue for stronger sanctions, and what it was like to stand alone for fewer sanctions. I learned the pain of secrecy when people assumed false things about me, and when I had to go along with false things others said to preserve their fraudulent stories about why they were headed off campus.

But mostly I learned what it was like to be part of a system much bigger than myself, and the responsibility of actors within those systems. So much of politics - macro and micro, is about maneuvering oneself into places and positions of responsibility, but once you're there, it's just work, and its weighty. It wasn't fun, but it was an honor to be so entrusted.